I Licked A Squirrel

 

 

Emmagan:
I’m gonna be a rockstar, just like Katy Perry, my idol…*swoon*  In keeping with my statement, I have prepared a completely new, nothing that sounds like anyone else, brand new, awesome song.  I hope my audience likes it…oh, I’m being stupid.  Of course they will like it!  Enjoy fans, enjoy! Now watch closely while I perform my masterpiece with some super cool dance moves for your visual enjoyment.
Ehhh Ehhhm! *breath breath*
I would like to introduce:

“I Licked A Squirrel“, by Emmagan/Ms. Kittie Meowry (that’s my stage name!)

 

This was nothing that I had planned

but it’s instinctual

I got so brave, nip in paw

Lost my discretion

It’s not food, I’m used too

Just wanna try it out

I’m curious, for new game

Caught my attention

 

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

Tastes like almonds and fabric

I licked a squirrel, tried to bite it

it ran, now I can’t find it

It felt so wrong

It felt so right

Don’t mean I’ll eat squirrel tonight

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

I liked it

 

*Sashay, sashay*

 

No, I don’t even know your name

That’s probably better

You’re my experiment with game

Just feline nature

It’s just what most cats do

No need to be ashamed

My palate gets confused

Hard to not obey

 

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

Tastes like almonds and fabric

I licked a squirrel, tried to bite it

it ran, now I can’t find it

It felt so Wrong

It felt so right

Don’t mean I’ll eat squirrel tonight

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

I liked it

 

*interpretive dance*

 

These squirrels they are so tangible

Soft fur, meaty, so lickable

Hard to resist so tasteable

Too good to not eat them

That’s no big deal, it’s natural

 

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

Tastes like almonds and fabric

I licked a squirrel, tried to bite it

it ran, now I can’t find it

It felt so Wrong

It felt so right

Don’t mean I’ll eat squirrel tonight

I licked a squirrel and I liked it

I liked it

 

 

Thank you!  Thank you!  Oh, my fans!

 

Lucivar:…What the?  Mr. Squirrel?  OMG, Mr. Squirrel!

Emmagan, what have you done!  Mr. squirrel is unconscious and dripping with…ewww…saliva!

 

Emmagan:  I just had a little taste, he’ll be fine.

 

Lucivar:  Fine!?  You call this fine?  Mr. squirrel is my plushie!  Mom bought him for me! You chose the moose plushie!  Not squirrel! Moose!  Not Squirrel! I hate you!  Keep your paws off my toys.  *wanders off mumbling*

 

Emmagan:  My brother has no concept of sharing or of the great magnificence I have graced my fans with tonight.  Spoilsport.  He’ll get his.  *grumble*

 

While you were gone

Lucivar

February 21st 2006 1:03 pm

While you were gone I was naughty
I sat on the counters
I drank from the potty
I beat up my sister
I jumped on her head
I ripped up the carpet
And peed on your bed
I chewed up your cables
I swung from the curtains
I tracked litter on the tables
And one thing is certain
While you were gone I was naughty

 

The (Mis)Adventures of Catman and Moggin

Emmagan

February 15th 2006 1:43 pm

The bond between a superhero and his sidekick is a strong one, forged in battle. But sometimes, things are not as they appear to bystanders and certain media outlets (Channel Cat I’m talking to you here!!!) Sometimes there is a darker side that no one sees, greatly in part to the sidekick’s tremendous efforts to keep it secret.
What am I talking about? Catman is a Hack! He is completely useless and still he gets all of the credit. I, Moggin, sidekick extraordinaire am the real hero! You remember that! I am tired of hiding the truth. You cannot silence me!!!

And now we return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast: Heroes escape from Alcatraz or someplace like it (already in progress).

Moggin: Catman do you hear? Someone is coming. Get ready.

Catman: Burble. Ready for what Moggin?

Moggin: Escape, you dolt! Get ready to escape. This may be our only chance to free ourselves from this prison!

Catman: Oh..Yup Yup, I remember I do.

Moggin: Okay, when I say go…run out as fast as you can and don’t look back until you hear my okay. Try not to brain yourself on the door this time.

Catman: Yup Yup, whatever you say amazing sidekick.

The prison door creaks open and a giant foot appears. Our heroes make a break for their freedom.

Moggin: Go! Now Now Now!

Catman: I missed the door Moggin. I’m so good.

Catman, free of his prison, did indeed miss the door but promptly slams face first into the outside wall.

Moggin: Gahhhhh

The prison guard steps outside and retrieves the escapees.

Moggin: Noooooooooo! Foiled again! This is all your fault Catman! Can’t you do anything right???

Lucivar: Okay, this isn’t funny. Nobody finds this funny.

Mog: Mom is laughing.

Lucivar: I prefer to think of that as choking. And besides, she is the destroyer of worlds and her opinion doesn’t count.

Mog: Mmmhmmm, you’ve been watching too much Sci Fi.

Lucivar: I have not. Brat!

Mog: Stink face!

Lucivar: Pod Breath!

Catman and Moggin quickly turn on one another in this terrible time. Moggin slaps Catman, disregarding his heroic good looks. Catman chases Moggin up the curtains and bites her toes in revenge.

Moggin: You are such a butthead, get off me!

Catman: Oh no, I don’t think so. You slapped me and portrayed me as a blithering idiot in your little superhero escapade. I’m not forgetting that anytime soon.

Catman attempts to shake Moggin out of the curtains. Moggin hangs on while the curtains swing wildly back and forth.

Mog: Loser!

Lucivar: Suck Up! I’ll make you pay!

Mog: Ineffectual Worm!

The prison guard stirs from her chair and attempts to break up the fight between her prisoners.

Mom: Mog, what the??? Get off the curtains! Now, Now, Now!

Catman: Don’t let her get you Moggin!

Moggin studies her options and then fast as lightening makes her move.

Moggin: Yarrrrrr, Feel the wrath of the super fabulous Moggin Noggin attack of DOOOOM!

Moggins skull connects with the prison guard’s forehead. A crack is heard throughout the room and the guard slips into unconsciousness.

Catman: Good job Moggin. Nicely done.

Moggin: Thank you dear friend. Thank you.

Lucivar: Nap time Mog?

Mog: Yes, yes that sounds lovely.

The two retired superheroes curl up to nap beside the prone body of their battered human mom.

Mog: Luci, do you think she’ll remember what happened.

Luce: Does she ever? We are clear.

 

Eye of the Beholder

Lucivar

February 15th 2006 12:45 pm

Have you ever heard someone use the saying “You are your own worst critic”? Well I have and I’d like to say, in my case at least, it is patently false. It turns out mom is actually my worst critic. Let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.

For months now, I have been creating artwork the likes of which the world has never seen. Trust me when I tell you the end result of my efforts is mind blowing. I am what you might call, an Artiste. I work day and night on my creations. I pour my heart, my soul, and sometimes maybe a little spit into each of my works. Once complete, they are the embodiment of my essence.

I don’t know what is wrong with her, but I think mom despises my glorious renderings. I have finished several of my gifts to the world but because of her no one will ever see them. Once she has laid eyes upon my works of art, they are doomed to be destroyed. Is it because they are too fantastic for the human eye to withstand? Is she just jealous? Regardless, the results are the same. With a flick of her wrist and the phrase “Lucivar, why do you keep making messes?” my beauties are gone. For shame mom, for shame!

~Lucivar

Dear Lucivar:

Why do you keep making messes? Is it necessary to not only chew a box into pieces, but also glue the bits to the walls and the tile with your wildly adhesive kitty saliva? Must you decorate my carpeting with pulverized bits of food that you have soaked in your water dish for maximum stickiness? Did you have to eat my catalogue? I wasn’t done looking through it. And while I am on this subject, objects currently at rest in your litter box should remain at rest until I am ready to deal with them. Stop thinking what you are thinking. There is no good reason to be calculating the trajectory of poo from litter box to bathtub. No good reason I tell you! I won’t bother asking you to be good, but please for the sake of my sanity, try a little harder not to be so naughty. Thanks Monkey Pants.

~Mom

 

Little Green Kittens Are Overrated Anyway

Emmagan

January 24th 2006 1:20 pm

For my good friend Lucy 😉

Dear Lucy, Be careful I fear you’ve been seen
By an alien cat who will make you his queen
He’ll steal you away in his space ship above
And take you to Slovark to profess his love
You’ll sip tea with the in-laws and eat flaky crumpets
And be serenaded by Slovarkian Trumpets

This may sound enticing or quite like a dream
But trust me Dear Lucy things are not what they seem
These aliens are sneaky, keeping tricks up a sleeve
It won’t be so easy once you decide to leave
You’ll be fed funny beverages and sweet apple pies
And the next thing you know, you’ll have alien eyes
Then they’ll poke you and prod you and stick you with pins
You’ll wake up the next morning with grey alien skin

When I come to your rescue, you’ll be quite hard to find
You’ll no longer be the Lucy that I’ve kept in my mind.
I’ll fight monsters and boogies and alienish danger
As long as you promise you won’t get much stranger
But please don’t you worry your Alienized head
I’ll torment your captors til I find what they fed
That made you look so odd and stink like the sewer
I promise dear friend, I’ll find you that cure

But if you don’t mind, I’d prefer to avoid that
So please my dear friend, keep your eye on that new cat
He may be the coolest, and drive fancy cat cars
But until we know, treat him like he’s from mars.

 

Hairball: The Exodus

Lucivar

January 24th 2006 12:19 pm

It was a beautiful day, all sunny and bright
And everything seemed to be going just right
I lay at the window, so warm and carefree
Then suddenly, dread reached out and grabbed me

I feel it begin in the pit of my soul
My stomach, my insides they pitch and they roll
I try to stand up to relieve my discomfort
But only end up with my face in the carpet

A piteous howl is soon heard through the room
It is the curse of a cat, of those that must groom
We lick and we chew, we give it our all
And inevitably, we get a hairball

Won’t somebody help me, doesn’t anyone care
That I’m choking and hacking and hurking up hair?
I realize it’s nasty, I know that it’s gross
But this is the time that I need you the most

My body takes over, I wheeze and I wheeze
It goes on for so long that I fall to my knees
The one thing I need, medicine… petromalt
Is locked in a cabinet, a veritable vault

To my rescue she comes, with medicine on her finger
I lick it all off, soon this hairball won’t linger
I take a deep breath and cough with great might
Out it flies, to the floor, I have won this grave fight

It lies on the floor, hardly menacing now
I’m left wondering why I had such a cow
There is no need to worry; there is no need to fret
This sort of thing doesn’t require a vet

You just need your mom, and her magical powers
She’ll vanquish the hairball, don’t you see how it cowers
Yet again, superhuman wonder mom saved the day
Now it’s over, I am safe, time to find Mog and play

 

Get my goat…Why?…Because I want one!

Emmagan

January 16th 2006 3:39 pm

Mom, we need to talk. You see, I’ve been talking to my friend Lucy and it turns out…I need a Pygmie goat. Now, I know what you are thinking. What could she possibly need with a pygmie goat? Well, that’s what I’m here for. I have compiled a short list of the reasons you should buy me my very own pygmie goat. Oh, and I also need a possum. We’ll get to that too.

Mom, you have to get me a pygmie goat because I want one! Please?

Okay fine. You want good reasons, well here they are.

I want to be a goat rider. Wouldn’t that be the coolest? I could ride my goat around the apartment and perform secret missions and sneak attacks from the back of my goat. It will give me a distinct advantage over the enemy. You want me to be safe don’t you? Well, I need a Pygmie goat.

Okay, I can’t back the veracity of this particular claim since I learned this information in a dream. I think it’s true though, and so should you. Just accept it. You see, at a certain age, Some Pygmie goats will sprout wings. If I had a winged goat….whew, I could go anywhere. I have always wanted to fly. Get me a goat mom. I want one. And Luce could use it to get down from the door when he gets stuck.

Did you know that Pygmie goats can wear diapers until they are litter trained? Yeah, Lucy told me. So we could get one now and keep it in the apartment. Mom, I so want to be the first diapered pygmie goat riding kitty in the neighborhood. Can I have a goat mom? I want one.

Oh, and then once we have the goat, we should get a possum. Because you can dress them up in dresses and stuff. And I’m thinking maybe I could train the dress wearing possum to ride the diaper wearing pygmie goat. Then I could learn to ride the possum. Then do you know what I would be? No? I would be the first PromDressPossum riding, diapered pygmie goat riding, brother wrangling kitty in the neighborhood. You wouldn’t want to deny me that title would you?

If you could do just this little thing for me I’ll even help you with the housework. If I ride the promdress wearing possum and he rides the diaper wearing pygmie goat, I will be tall enough to reach the vacuum handle. I could vacuum for you; I know how much you hate doing that. And then later when the pygmie goat sprouts wings I can take prom-o-possum-goatipuss for flights around the living room and dust those really hard to reach spots. So what do you say? Goat riding, possum training, black belt moggie…Ninja style.

No??? Are you serious?? But I want one! Please! Please! Fine. I’ll have no trouble finding better reasons. I can’t believe you are asking for more. I’ll work on it. Wait…What if I write a song about it…

(To the tune of Ghost Rider-Henry Rollins)

Goat Rider, Pygmie riding kitty
Baby Baby she’s lookin so cute
See her ride ride ride on her diapered pygmie goat
Baby Baby baby now they’re flying in the sky
Up to the stars stars stars, on winged goat she flies so high

Goat rider, pygmie riding kitty
Baby baby baby she’s much faster on the hoof
America’s America sees her gloating on the roof

She’s riding through town on her diapered goat Poseidon
She’s riding through town on her Pygmie goat Poseidon

Head held high, eyes all shining
Head held high, eyes all shining

Goat Rider
Goat Rider

Keep ridin’
Never stop ridin’

How about now? Oh and the possum is a given right?

Mom?

Mom?

Where did you go?

 

O-Limpy-Cat

Lucivar

January 20th 2006 1:41 pm

Good Evening. Lucivar Aristotle here, bringing you continuous coverage of the 2006 Winter Kitten Olympics. Tonight we have a very special treat for our viewers. Our station has been granted the rights to exclusively cover this years FleeceKatree climbing event. This is a brand new event and therefore has never before been televised live. What you are about to see will shock you. The sheer strength of will needed to participate in this event will leave you awestruck. You won’t see it anywhere else folks, so stay tuned.

*Commercial Break*

Here at the Harton Country Inn, we believe that the customer is always right. If you aren’t (drink more beer, drink more beer) completely satisfied with the service you (eat salami by the pound, it’s good for you) receive during your stay (Drink more beer, eat more salami) we’ll give you a cookie free of charge. Yes, we are that confident!

(Harton Country Inn is a subsidiary of the Beer and Salami group. This commercial was brought to you by People for the ridiculous use of subliminal messagery in commercials. The Beer and Salami Group have paid for this commercial event and it does not necessarily reflect the views of whatever channel this is. Unless they give us cookies. And then we’ll agree with anything.)

Welcome back to the first ever televised coverage of the FleeceKatree competition. Once again, I am Lucivar Aristotle for channel whatever. Now it appears the competition is about to begin. Our first Competitor is the scrappy little cat, Emmagan. If I was a betting man, and I am but I am contractually obligated to pretend I am not, I’d put my money on this girl. Let’s watch.

Emmagan gracefully makes her way across the competition floor. She enters the ring and sizes up the obstacle. The whistles blow, signaling for her to start. Emmagan uses all of her strength to pull her body up the side of the Katree obstacle. She falters and momentarily loses her grip, but like any good athlete she recovers quickly. She pulls herself onto the first platform and then leaps onto the second platform.

Folks, isn’t this amazing? Who knew a cat could move so purposefully towards a goal and still retain her grace? Outstanding.

Emmagan eyes the final platform, and then in one quick movement throws herself to it.

Now is the difficult part. Let’s see if she can unhook the prize without losing her balance.

Emmagan hangs from the final platform with only her back claws supporting all of her weight. She twists her body around and hooks her front claws into the underside of the platform. Skillfully, she reaches out to the prize and unhooks it.

Did you see that everyone? She has done it! Amazing, I can’t imagine anyone will beat her time. I believe we have just witnessed the winner of the Golden Catnip Medal in the 2006 FleeceKatree Event. Let’s see if she will spare a moment to talk with us.
Emmagan…Emmagan…Your fans want to know how you feel about your performance tonight.

Emmagan: Urrrr, Luci…What are you doing?

Lucivar: What am I doing? I’ve just witnessed the finest FleeceKatree competitor ever to live! Please, say a few words for your fans.

Emmagan: Mom is not gonna like you stealing her hairbrush. And if I’m not mistaken you’ve been talking to it.

Lucivar: Well, if you can’t even say a few kind words to the people who have been rooting for you…

Emmagan: Is that catnip in your fur? That explains a whole lot. Night

Well I never… This has been Lucivar Aristotle for Channel Whatever Nightly News.

Emmagan! Don’t tell mom about the brush okay?…

 

Swan Song

January 5th 2006 8:58 pm

Fantastic, feathery, and graceful in flight
To a cat, catching one is a treasured delight
What a sorrowful pair, cat and bird in midair
Graceful dance, her last chance,
Save herself, or become kitty’s dinner.

 

The Lurking Dark

Emmagan

January 4th 2006 9:29 am

Home is a wonderful place for a kitten. It is where we feel safe and secure and loved. But I have found there is another side to this paradise. It is a side with a malevolent streak; a side that will do everything in its power to frighten and intimidate. This dark side is not readily apparent to the naked eye. It is hidden beneath things mundane and functional. A kitten should never forget what lurks beneath the shadows. Like I did.

It began as any other adventure; excitement coursed through my veins and the joy of a good find sparkled before my eyes. Guy on the couch had left his dresser drawer open. Open to be pillaged, and plundered by a very inquisitive kitten. I approached carefully; I did not wish to draw his attention to his folly. My presence undetected, I peered into the cavernous drawer. I froze. Could it be? Could it possibly be true? It was. I had stumbled upon the Holy Grail. The sock drawer gaped open before me. I silently rejoiced and set out a plan of action. I must “misplace” as many of these wondrous foot warmers as possible. This is, after all, what most kittens dream of and live their lives hoping to find. I had found it, and I must not falter or fail. To do so was unacceptable.

I should have known right then. The Holy Grail does not just fall into your lap unassisted. A great evil was at work here, but in my kittenish exuberance I failed to notice the signs until it was too late. I approached the open drawer again and quietly slipped inside. I felt the warm cottony goodness of human foot coverings caress my fur. I shuddered and tried to control my exhilaration, I needed to keep a cool head. I circled about in the drawer, touching every corner and securing the perimeter. At the last corner, I happened to look above me. Shock cycled through me. Of all things, I had not expected to find a cavern in the depths of this drawer. I blinked my eyes, but the sight remained. I could not resist the pull I felt from the depths, I had to explore further.

I cautiously made my way deeper into the secret drawer cavern. The darkness quickly became so pure that even my superb night vision failed me. I continued on with only my sense of touch to guide me. It seemed like hours passed as I slowly made my way. It is easy to lose your sense of time when darkness is all you see. I couldn’t accurately say how long I walked, but when I finally encountered dim light, my legs were shaky from weakness. The light re-energized me and I picked up the pace, almost to a run. I could see the brightness peaking through in strips now; I knew I had to be close. Then it happened. I ran headlong into a barricade, a solid, impassable force. I turned around, disappointed, only to find that the path I traveled by was nowhere to be seen. I frantically ran from one end of the room to another, only to encounter solid wall at every turn. I was trapped, this was my prison.

I knew then that the darkness had me in its clutches. Stumbling upon the Holy Grail was just too good to be true. My own curiosity had sealed my fate. But I was not yet ready to give up; I would not go down without a fight. I examined the patches of light and found I could see the outer world through them if I looked closely enough. I saw Mom pass by and I knew I had to get her attention. I scratched at the walls and tried desperately to get Mom’s attention. She did not hear me. The attempt gave me some insight into my prison. I was able to pass my paws through the patch of light and back out into the real world. I slid my paws out as far as possible and sunk my claws into the ground. I pulled with all of my might but my claws could not find purchase, I had only doomed a stack of papers to my prison sentence. Desperate, I tried to squeeze myself out through the light. My head would not fit, no matter how I tried, and I let out an anguished cry. I would never be free.

My friends, I cannot accurately describe to you what happened next. To this day I am unsure as to whether my cry simply drew attention to my plight, or if some sort of Catmas miracle occurred, but Mom found me. She saw me through the patches of light and attempted to rescue me from the evil clutches of the darkest dresser. She quickly realized she would not be able to pull me through and called to couch guy for help. Couch guy used his massive strength to lift my prison from atop me. I was frozen in terror and Mom was forced to grab me and bring me to safety. I didn’t understand that I was free from the great evil. I panicked. I am ashamed to admit, I unleashed the full fury of my claws upon my rescuer. I left bleeding gashes from my savior’s throat, all the way down her chest. Perhaps one day I will be able to make it up to her.

Once I had calmed myself, she came to me and told me she understood. She comforted me and asked me not to venture back into that dark place. I would never dream of putting myself back in that position. I implore you, my friends, learn from my mistakes. Always be watchful of the evil that lurks in your safest of places, your home.